I often daydream about leaving the rough and tumble world of my job as a payroll administrator and starting my own business.
I wanted to start a coffee shop so aging hipsters who are now minivan driving boring dads can have a place to gather and complain about hipsters.
I also developed a dating service with our friend Lisa geared for call center employees to find love, called “Outsourced Love.” Call 1-800-Cubicle today – and you guessed it, your calls will be monitored or recorded for quality assurance! There are two levels of membership with Outsourced Love – Employees or Temps. (Temps have the same shot at love as Employees, but without all the benefits.)
Tonight, as I was spending time in my own kitchen, I summoned Chris and Robert, my podcast pals:
“Guys, let’s all quit our day jobs and start a dive bar!”
I could run the kitchen, Robert could tend the bar, Chris could be the brewmaster, or whatever it is Chris does. We could have a small stage for shows, an extensive whiskey menu and podcast live from our bar every Friday night.
After an immediate “No. That sounds like a terrible idea” from Robert, the idea really started to take shape.
Our most popular item would be the Static Burger with roasted chipotle Distortion sauce.
Second up is “The Miami.” It’s a Cuban style sandwich with the roasted chipotle Distortion sauce (I put that stuff on everything!) except there’s a secret ingredient.*
Our third favorite item on the menu is “The Shen Burger.” Yes. We practically were forced into making this burger and calling it the “Shen Burger.” It’s just too easy. It’s basically an average burger served on a white bread bun, except it is served with a beer cheese made from Yuengling lager smuggled from Ohio in a minivan by John’s mother-in-law.
Have you tried our olive tapenade appetizer? Chris hates it.
Jenn recommends “The Tweedy Burger,” which is a smoked brisket sandwich, served with house made BBQ sauce, side of slaw on a brioche roll and served in a tiny jean jacket.
And who could forget “The Jenn?” “The Jenn” is often referred to around the bar as a great burger, but its rarely on the menu. Sometimes we run “the Jenn” as a special, but usually only when John, Chris, or Robert is on vacation. Sometimes John sees the Jenn Burger sitting in the fridge and thinks “We Can Charbroil That,” and voila. Back on the specials.
It’s slightly less rare to see on the menu than “the Hutch.”
Our “Death Grips Burger” is a rare burger with jalapenos, ghost pepper mayo, onions, chili powder French fries, and a side of “fuck you,” according to Robert. No one ever orders it, but Robert makes it the special every third Friday just out of spite.
This burger contrasts greatly with our “Death Cab Burger,” a meatless veggie burger with roasted bell peppers and hummus on a gluten free quinoa bun and a free “cheer up” hug from one of our wait staff.
One of my kitchen specialties is a meatloaf sandwich called “The Ohio” made with only fresh Ohio Amish eggs and seasoned bread crumbs, served exclusively by an aging former member of the Cleveland Browns.
“The Prince” burger was once the most creative and groundbreaking burger on our menu, but it really hasn’t been any good for the past 20 years, yet people still revere it as one of the best burgers in the industry.
“The Zuppe Zappa” is a kind of a strange take on Italian wedding soup, except if you changed all the ingredients to different ingredients and made it into a different kind of soup entirely.
And finally “The Yeezus.” It’s an ambitious sandwich with complex flavors with layers of beef upon beef. I heard it goes straight to your butt though. It’s also served with a side of fish sticks.
Brewmaster Chris would work in the corner – alone – perfecting his Olde Decemberists Ale or Old Townes Sour Mash Whiskey.
Each week, we could run a “Pick 5 for Friday” promotion.
You really shouldn’t bring kids to a bar, but if you do, we offer a Dinosaur Jr. Kids Menu.
Stop on in to The Static Alehouse and Kitchen today and have a shot of whiskey on us!**
Blow. Not blow. Maybe.
**Well, actually on Robert. If he’s the bar manager, he’s going to have to account for that in his part of the budget somewhere.